The Point Of No Return

Have you ever faced a decision that seemed to be a pivotal point in your life? One that means you may be turning your back on a dream or two for the final time; and there will be no going back if you make the wrong choice…like it seals your fate?

I know, that seems a bit dramatic, but I talk a good game about all these things I want to do with my life and quite frankly, I’ve probably lived more life than I have left. I need to get busy if I’m ever going to pursue the dreams I have. I want to write, to stop being a slave to the calendar and the clock, to create and build things…but I’m so busy being someone I’m not (or someone I don’t want to be anymore) for forty-plus hours a week that I don’t do any of those things. Time seems to slip away faster than it use to when I was younger and I don’t want to get so busy “doing the 9 to 5” that I use up all the time I have and look back and regret things that I don’t need to regret.

The pivot point…I’ve been unhappy with my job and I was brutally honest with my boss about my dissatisfaction. To my surprise, instead of being asked for my resignation I was offered a promotion. I’m completely humbled to be that valued at my job, but here is the dilemma: The logical side of my brain says; “Take it! There is room for growth and opportunity to advance your career. You will be making a good salary and have a decent amount of vacation time.” That other emotional part of my brain and my heart both say; “You don’t really want that job, you just like the false sense of security it provides. There are so many other things that you want to do in this life, so much more that you want to be. If you do this, that is probably it; you won’t get to pursue those dreams and you will end up spending your life doing the safe and predictable thing. ”  So what’s a girl to do? ( Can I be a girl at 44?)

I think I know the answer (to both questions); but it scares the crap out of me. I don’t know how to step into the unknown…I’ve spent most of my life pursuing stability and avoiding risk. That strategy may have worked for me in the past (and I’m not so sure about that), but I don’t think it’s going to work for me anymore if I want to live the creative life I’ve been dreaming of. I don’t want to be afraid of taking a chance or of taking the road less traveled, but giving up that stability is so hard. It kind of feels like I’m about to take a swing on a trapeze without a safety net (I’ve never actually done that, but it sounds terrifying!) I just wonder if I really have the courage.

To be continued…

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